Donkey & Cow: An ancient interview with modern problems

Traveling back in time to chat with the original witnesses of the Nativity, I found that the “greatest story ever told” was more complicated and gritty than our Christmas carols lead us to believe. Despite a two thousand year gap, Donkey and Cow’s grievances regarding bureaucratic red tape, the housing crisis, exploitation of the working class feel remarkably relevant today. Some things never change.

Milénio Stadium: Thank you for taking the time to give us a behind-the-scenes look at what many people call the greatest story ever told. Donkey, after what I’m sure was a long and tiring journey, was the stable up to your standards? 

Donkey: Well, unless we count the star that was burning a hole in the roof, my Airbnb rating for this host is zero stars. Rustic chic they call it… more like a health and safety violation… and the noise! The sheep have absolutely no concept of volume control. 

Cow: The only health violation in this room is the stench of human disappointment. Don’t forget, this is my home. I live here with the sheep—you and your passengers invaded my space and now I have to listen to you complain. If anyone should complain, it’s me. Don’t get me wrong, hosting the Messiah is an honour and for the most part, Joseph and Mary were considerate guests, but I feel using the feed trough for a bassinet was an invasion of my personal space.

MS: You’re often described as silent witnesses. Was that silence respect or shock?

C: Sometimes silence happens when you realize the adults in the room have no plan.

D: I was silent because no one was listening. There’s a difference. Inside I was freaking out. The lack of preparation was appalling. The Saviour comes into the world with no qualified medical staff or a sterile birth room? The Roman state can organize a mandatory census across the entire empire but can’t provide basic social services to its citizens? I mean, if this was Canada, with its universal health care, things would have been different, but in some countries, care is provided on your ability to bribe the innkeeper, if you know what I mean. If you can’t fund a birth, you can’t run an empire.

C: Let’s not forget the lack of dignity and compassion. These kids were alone and vulnerable.

MS: Let’s focus on the journey. Donkey, you carried Mary from Nazareth to Bethlehem, which is roughly 150 kilometres. How long did that take?

D: Correction, I carried a very pregnant woman through Roman-controlled territory, on my back for a week! It was a delightful journey if you enjoy slow movement and anxiety. No consideration for me, but that’s how the world works—the load always slides downhill until it lands on the back of the closest animal… or woman… or poor person…

C: I’m sure the desert road was harsh.

D: …and expensive! Those Romans built some nice roads, but nothing is free. We kept getting stopped by soldiers looking to take advantage of the travelers, charging us “tolls” for road maintenance. It’s extortion.

MS: The reason for this trip was Emperor Augustus’ census mandate, forcing Joseph to register in the “City of David”. It seems a tad bureaucratic, to me.

D: Look, theoretically, a census is vital for governments to establish fair representation… it’s how you properly fund new schools and hospitals based on population density… it’s how you gather economic and social data for policy-making… but let’s be honest with each other, this wasn’t about counting heads for those reasons. This was about citizens standing in line to prove they exist for the sole purpose of taxation and control. 

C: The Romans wanted to know how many souls they controlled… and the reward was being turned away by everyone.

MS: Yes, that leads us back to the infamous “no room at the inn” scenario. How many times were you turned down before you reached the stable?

D: We lost count. None of them had space.

C: “Full” is a word people use when they mean “afraid”.

D: We were traveling for valid reasons and should have been given a room, yet we were treated like migrants looking for a handout. A classic case of NIMBYism—not in my backyard.

C: You witnessed the cruelty of man denying shelter to someone in need. Apparently, the kindness of strangers only extends as far as the nearest empty manger.

MS: So, Cow, we need to talk about the gas in the stable. You’re a major contributor to the methane emissions problem—and the greenhouse gasses are not just coming from your butt… we know 95% of it is coming out as high-potency burps right to our faces… multiply that by one billion cows…

C: That’s an outrage! You’re blaming us for our burps? There are a billion of us because you demand a burger shop on every corner. You breed us, feed us then blame us for our digestion. You know, humans are the only creatures that create poisons for profit. For vanity. My gases are a natural process that disappear after 12 years. Your fossil fuel CO2 hangs around for a millennium.

D: I mean, he’s not wrong but sometimes I do have to hold my breath… you should too, Cow.

MS: Plants absorb CO2, cows eat plants, then supercharge the CO2 into a much more potent greenhouse gas—methane. You don’t accept any responsibility for climate change?

C: It’s easy to blame something that won’t talk back. The problem isn’t my digestive process, it’s the way you run the farm. You pack us in by the millions then act surprised that we breathe! Don’t blame animals for farmer greed—stop filling our troughs with industrial leftovers and let us eat what nature intended. 

MS: You’ve been up close and personal with the star of this story. PR on this birth is off the charts—already we’ve had visits from angels, shepherds, a drummer boy and three wise men. Long-term, what do you think about the “born in a manger” narrative? 

D: This whole “humble beginnings” thing is a good angle. It’s the “poverty chic” brand strategy. We need to put together a strong marketing team and secure the Nativity Scene licensing rights, immediately…

C: Your obsession with fame disgusts me.

D: Branding is king baby… I see a book deal, movies, Jesus action figures…

MS: Cow, what do you think the future holds for this Child? Is there one thing you hope humanity learns from this humble moment in your stable?

C: Simplicity and humility are everything. The endless need humans have for big, bright unnecessary things will ultimately kill them… and the earth.

D: True. But I predict that in 2000 years they’ll probably just turn this whole humble scene into a giant, plastic, light-up display on their lawns.

David Ganhão/MS